Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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