Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
