How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
