The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
