I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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