No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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