Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
third nipple confirmed
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize