I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
