best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
