Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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