You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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