Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
