I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Randomize
