it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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