its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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