Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
