I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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