K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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