TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
