I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
