Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
