Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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