I hate all girls vehemently.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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