apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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