The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
