woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
