I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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