Thank you for not boning my boss.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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