I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
