Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
