Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
