the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
