I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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