Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
