why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
