did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
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