When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize