I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize