We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize