You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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