At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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