I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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