I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
