If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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