if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
