fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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