Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Green mimosas i think yes
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
