The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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