every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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