so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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