If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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