Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
