standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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