I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
