I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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