Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
